Johnny Spurs and Asshole Cat
by Daemon McRae
Summary: Meet Johnny Spurs. He's an odd-jobs type living out of Appleoosa. He lives with his pet/partner-at-work Asshole Cat. Yes, that's his name. And this is the crap they get up to. M for language and suggestive situations
1. and Asshole Cat

Johnny Spurs and Asshole Cat

Chapter 1: and Asshole Cat

(Note: This was a story done as a whim on an imageboard, that became something I actually wanted to write. So here you go. Everything belongs to it's respective owners, blah blah blah.)

The sun had just started to rise over Appleoosa. A bright, intimidating figure over the mountains, as the land it shone over was dusty, hot, and known for being rather unfriendly to those who enjoyed such commodities as cold water and humidity.

The sunlight fell over the land in a wave, as it always does. Across the mountains for a few moments, which held it back and provided shade for a large portion of the land. But like every morning, eventually the sun had risen high enough that its rays passed even their persistent peaks. It continued to shine, over the orchards, the deserts, and the towns. The light touched the buffalo's homes and the blacksmith's forge. Soon it could be seen from all over.

But there was one particular spot in which it shone whose reception was less than bright...

Through the window it shined. Creeping over the sill, across the floor, and made it's way up to the bed. Slowly, uneventfully, and predictably, until it reached its eventual mark: Johnny's half-opened, half-asleep eye.

"FRRRRRG, dammit! That's bright!" he cried, throwing his hooves over his eyes and turning violently away from the sun's rays. Violently... and right over the side of the bed. WHUMP. "...ow. Every morning. Today. TODAY IS THE DAY I turn the bed AWAY FROM THE WINDOW."

A snide, holier-than-thou voice chimed from underneath the bed, mere inches from Johnny's face. "Right, and today's also the day you quit smoking, get laid, move out, and become famous. Just like every other day. Oh, WAIT..."

"Shut it, Asshole," Spurs moaned, pulling himself up from his unceremonious crash landing, taking the time to crack nearly every joint in his body.

"Oh, Johnny, you wound me to the quick!" Asshole Cat feigned distress as he cried out, crawling out and stretching languidly across the floor. He took no time in leaping up to the bedpost to be nose-to-nose with his "owner". "If that's wasn't my 'name' I'd be horribly offended! So what's it gonna be today, boss?" he asked nonchalantly, licking his tan fur. "Diamond dogs? Sandcats? Or maybe you just wanna ruff up a townie or two for some loose change?"

The dark green stallion kicked open the fridge, scrounging for what little food they had before next paycheck. "Anything to keep his Holiness fed, am I right?"

And then the knocking came...

The horse and cat traded glances, the cat giving Spurs a knowing smile while the latter moved with little enthusiasm to open the door. Little enough, in fact, for the newcomer to knock twice more. "Right, RIGHT. I'm coming." He swung open the door and gave whoever was on the other side of it a dry look. "Can I help you?"

The young mare who'd been knocking gave no time in delivering what could almost have been a practiced speech: "Oh, you've got to help me! Your flyer says you take on ANY kind of work, right? Well, you've GOT to do something about my coltfriend! He won't leave me alone! I keep telling him it's over, but he just gets so mad! And he keeps following me around and-"

"Ma'am," Johnny interrupted, putting a hoof to her mouth. Which got her to pause long enough for him to get a good look at her. Pink mane and tail. Yellow coat. Some random apple based dessert for a cutie mark. One of the orchard's family, no doubt. "I don't care what your reasons are. Just point me at the guy and get out of the way."

He dropped his hoof, and she went on another excitable ramble, this time about how happy she was he'd decided to "help" her. He let her get about a sentence and a half out before he interrupted again. "PARDON me, miss," he raised his voice to get her attention, "but it would do me an awful lot of good if you could let me know what the guy looks like. I've started a few fights with what ended up being the wrong stallion. I don't make that mistake anymore."

Behind him, he could almost feel Asshole dropping air quotes as he said "anymore". "Yes, Johnny, you've certainly gotten over your habit of beating up people that AREN'T the bad guys."

"I said quiet, you. This pays for dinner, if you care to remember. Now come on," he barked, nodding at the cat to get it in gear, while the mare produced a picture of the offending ex.

"He likes to spend a lot of time near the pass beating up stray Sandcats and bringing them back. Keeps telling stories at the saloon about how he took on a whole pack of the things, the liar. He'd be one of those two places about an hour from now. Please hurry! I don't want to deal with him another day!"

The cat and horse traded glances again, one that said "Oh, look, THIS shit again," and headed off.

The picture she'd given him was of a rather broad, tan and brown cookie-cutter of a stallion, looking like a dozen others that worked either the orchard or the mines. The only really defining features were the claw marks on his neck and his Cutie Mark: a shovel and mining helmet. "Not hard to figure out where he works," Spurs grumbled, shoving the picture into the ratty coat he'd grabbed on his way out.

"Of course," Cat mewled. "He must be a genius at digging up apple trees."

Johnny had to snicker a bit. Asshole could be funny. When he wasn't talking about you. It didn't take long for the pair to reach town, their little slice of heaven only half a mile removed. Nothing like true isolation to make a pony feel like part of the community.

"Ok, do we want to hit the saloon first and hope he's drunk? Or hit the pass and hope he's already fought one of the damn things?" the horse asked, looking left and right, respectively, once they'd reached a junction.

"I say we hit the pass," Cat recommended. "Less likely you'll be drunk when you get to him." He curled into a ball on Johnny's back, quickly losing interest in all the walking.

Johnny didn't acknowledge the statement, but he knew the cat was right. The last thing he needed this early was an excuse to drink. So he veered for the pass and hoped the guy was an early bird.

After yet more uneventful walking, he came across one of the only ponies brave enough to build their houses anywhere near the pass itself: Shotgun Gallop, possibly the craziest pony in Appleoosa. Either that or braver'n'a barrel of pissed off weasels.

"Hey, Johnny," she crowed from her porch, her signature tool cradled in her hooves. She tilted forward in her rocking chair a bit. "Gonna go beat up more Sandcats for me?"

"Nah, gonna go beat up the guy who beats up Sandcats. But if I see any extras I'll give 'em a one-two for ya," he called across her fence, then trucked on. He heard her snicker behind him, and grinned a little. Sometimes having friends crazier than you made getting out of bed more fun.

Yet some more uneventful walking, and they got where they were going. Well, Johnny got where HE was going. Asshole just snored. Spurs looked out over the fence that blocked off Sandblaster Pass, one of a few rather dangerous areas around the small town. For two reasons, mainly. Rockfalls and Sandcats.

Now, there is a very good reason why most ponyfolk stay away from Sandcats in general. MOST ponyfolk. Not because they're big, ugly, and have lots of claws and teeth (which they are, and do). Not because they're mean, intolerable, and make for poor company (on account of trying to rip your ribs out and clean their teeth with them. Which they do.)

Sandcats are disliked for the very reason they're called SANDcats. You can't tell the damn things apart from the ground they walk on till they open their big, toothy mouths at you. Which they usually reserve for the moment right before they bite your face off.

So coming across a pony who not only is currently jumping up and down on a Sandcat, but has a few more unconscious, possibly dead ones set aside, is unlikely. And also rather terrifying.

Johnny sneezed, and walked up to the stallion trampolining the feline's lungs.

Of course, Johnny made note of a few things, first. Even HE wasn't that thick. Namely a few small pebbles tumbling down one of the pass's rock wall. And how all the Sandcats were laid out. And the big oaf himself. He noticed quite a bit about the lug before ol' stompin-boots saw him.

"Yeah, whatcha want?" the tan stallion said.

Before Spurs could respond, Asshole woke up. Yawning and stretching like any typical cat, he then took a moment to look around. Then he spotted Big McLargehuge. "Oh, sweet Celestia, THAT'S the guy?"

Spurs nodded. "Scuse' me, mister. But your marefriend sent us here to talk to you. She says she really doesn't want to go out with you anymore," he shouted, having left some distance between himself and his 'target'.

A distance Biggy decided to close off a bit. Johnny raised an eyebrow. "Oh, yeah, what'd she say? Cause it's all lies, and that little foal ain't goin' nowhere. She's stayin' with me, y'hear?"

Johnny shook his head and grinned. "Now, see, I normally don't like to brag, but this is the part where I tell you that I'm smarter'n' you."

"WHAT'D YOU SAY?" yelled the as-of-yet-unnamed stallion. "Nopony talks to Iron Mines like that!"

Asshole cat tugged on his "owner's" ear. "Yeah, boss, you might want to give him this one," he cautiously advised.

Spurs just glanced over his shoulder, and twitched his ear a few times. Cat raised his own eyebrow, and saw what he thought was a shadow of a smirk. A look he knew really well.

Johnny turned his attention back to Mines. "Actually, biggy, I do. See, that's kind of what I'm good at: talkin'. REAL good at it, actually. Like, I could talk about how a pretty little thing like that doesn't need to be spendin' time with a big lousy fatboy like you. Or how I smelled you 'for I saw you. Or how you turn a LOVELY shade of crimson when you're mad," he added, as Iron advanced on him, beyond pissed off.

"Why you little-" he started, taking a few more steps.

The steps Spurs had been waiting for. "OR. Why I REALLY wouldn't stand there if I was you," he finished, grinning nice and wide.

Iron gave him a nice and confused look, just as Johnny bucked the rock wall of the pass with everything he had. Mines stayed confused for a second, before he heard a noise. THE noise, actually. Of rocks falling. He glanced up just in time to see a rather large family of boulders descend upon him with a nice rowdy "Imma fall on you now kthnxbai".

Johnny turned his head and shielded his eyes from the mass of dust that stirred up from the rock fall, then admired his handiwork. He trotted up to the pile of rubble. "You still alive?" he called. A loud groan from under a layer of rocks gave him his answer, and he shrugged off and walked back to town.

On the way back Asshole leaned over his shoulder and asked him, "Ok, how'd you do all that? Curious minds are DYING to know."

Johnny grinned. "Same way he did. I had a suspicion when I looked at the picture. Those claw marks? They're not from a Sandcat. Wrong number of marks, and they're too far apart. He got those with a rake." He stopped as he hit the barrier between town and the pass, waving down a nearby Sheriff's deputy.

The Deputy gave a sigh and trotted over. "What'd you do this time, Spurs?"

"Just my job. There's a guy buried under a bunch of boulders a ways in, but he'll be fine. If'n somepony digs him out. Bunch'a Sandcats, too. Thought you oughta know," Johnny grunted as he leaped over the fence.

The Deputy gave him a look. "Let me guess. Freak rock slide. And you just HAPPENED to find him."

"Just doing my civic duty," Spurs added over his shoulder as he trotted off. Once they were far enough away, as Johnny gave a glance back and watched the colt trot lazily down the pass, he continued, "Figured out the rest when we got there. The dude doesn't actually fight Sandcats. He's just a good climber. He gets himself up on the rock walls, then gets the attention of a bunch of cats, and when they get close enough, he drops boulders on them. Then he jumps up and down on them to make it look like HE'D squished 'em."

Cat whistled. "How'd you put that together?" he asked, hoping down off of the stallion's back. They'd just got home.

Johnny hung his jacket up again. "Little things. Like I noticed some small pebbles falling down, and saw a bunch of rocks pushed up to the edge of the wall. Usually they're much farther up. Be kinda hard for them to get there on their own."

"Fair enough," the Cat noted, leaping onto the bed. "But that can't be all of it, come on."

Spurs cracked the fridge open again, pulling out the last lonely Hard Cider. "The rest was all him. He wasn't sweating anywhere near hard enough. He didn't have any kind of blood or heavy dirt on him. Which, even if you're a ruddy genius at fighting Sandcats, you're gonna get filthy and bloody. Yours OR theirs. He didn't have a scratch. No one's that good unless it's Gallop, and that's just because she shoots the bastards."

"I hear my name?" a soft southern twang rang from the doorway. Johnny turned his head mid-swallow of cider to see Shotgun let herself in. "You go off on a job and don't bother to let me know you're ok? What kind of friend are you?"

Cat just chuckled from his spot on the bed.

Johnny nodded at her. "Come on in. I'd offer you some cider, but this is the last of it," he grinned, downing the rest in one big swig.

Gallop didn't waste any time. Trotting right up to him, she grabbed his face while he still had a mouthful of cider, planted her lips on his, and drank straight from his mouth. "Don't mind if I do," she said, pulling away and swallowing.

Johnny nearly choked. "Con-SARNIT, girl! Don't do that!"

"Then make sure you have enough left for the lady next time." She sported a mile-wide grin as she took a seat at the row of two-by-fours on stools they called a table.

Johnny took a moment to shake her off, -IT off, shake IT off, then sat down with her. "So what's brings you to our humble abode?" he asked, almost hesitantly. It WAS Shotgun Gallop, after all.

She grinned, then leaned close. "Well, I got a proposition for ya," she whispered.

To Be Continued...


	2. and Shotgun Gallop

Chapter 2: ...and Shotgun Gallop

(Note: Everything belongs to their respective owners.)

"A proposition?" Spurs repeated. "Gallop, you should know there ARE some things I don't do for money..."

Asshole snickered appreciatively while Shotgun gave him a look. "Fine, if you don't want to make a few hundred bits, I'm ok with that."

Johnny dropped the bottle he was holding and Cat did a neat slide/fall motion off the bed and onto the floor. Spurs blinked a few times. "Did... did you say a few hundred?"

Gallop gave him a wry smile and turned to leave. "Oh, but I thought you didn't WANT the job. That's ok, I know a few ponies more than happy to take it-"

Johnny and Asshole zipped in front of her, standing between her and the door. "Now, now, Miss Gallop, there's no reason to be hasty," Cat interjected. "I'm sure we can sit down like rational quadrupeds and hash out a deal."

Johnny had that look in his eyes that poor folk get when people talk about giving them money. "What he said."

_Fish in a barrel, _Gallop thought, turning around and making herself at home on top of the covers. "Well, the job's relatively simple. All we gotta do is find this mine called El Coriado. Heard of it?" She asked casually, stretching out on the bed.

Johnny blinked and traded a sideways glance with his cat, then looked back to Gallop. Walking up to the side of the bed, he asked cautiously, "El Coriado? You mean the lost gold mine?"

"Mmm-hmm," she hummed and nodded.

Cat leaped onto her back. "The one that ponies go looking for and never come back?"

She glanced behind her and winked at Cat. "Yup."

Johnny sat on his hind legs and raised an eyebrow in concern. "You mean the mine that's supposed to be made of everliving, ever-growing gold that never runs out? And tries to kill anyone who enters?"

Gallop waved the last statement off with a careless hoof. "I'm not sayin' we have to go in, just find it. I know a colt who's lookin' to pay quite a bit of money to just know where it is or sumthin'. We just have to get close enough to confirm that it's the real El Coriado and then go home."

"Through miles and miles of desert," Johnny added.

"With Sandcats and bandits and lots of really not good for your health things between here and there? And BACK?" Asshole emphasized.

Gallop glanced between the two. "Awww," she cooed. "Are my two knights in shining armor afraid of a little dirt and sun?"

Spurs scoffed at her. "Shotgun, if I was that easily bothered I wouldn't walk past your house. But there is no way in HELL I'm going to walk dozens or maybe even a couple hundred miles through that desert for a payout that I only get if we find some stupid mythological gold mine and make it back ALIVE."

Shotgun glanced at the cat on her back for his opinion, who proceeded to scratch his chin. "Hmmm, nah. I don't go anywhere without my meal ticket, let alone hundreds of miles into the desert alone with a gun-toting psychomare."

Gallop rolled her eyes and huffed. "Geez, you misfire a gun one too many times and people call you crazy. FINE. If you boys won't help me find the mine then will you at least escort me to Crosshair Junction? There's some old archeologist pony who says he's got a bead on the place, and I'm gettin' paid to make sure he gets there and back alive. S'all I was gonna ask you two t' do."

Asshole Cat closed his eyes and shook his head. "Sorry, ma'am," said Cat. "But once we've made a decision as a team we-" his sentence was cut off as Spurs shoved a hoof in his mouth.

"Now hold on a second," Johnny stood up and gave Gallop a thoughtful nod. "We didn't rightly hear our good friend out. You say we're going to be traveling in a team?"

Gallop raised an eyebrow at Johnny's change of heart. "Yeah. Through miles of desert."

"But all we have to do is protect this old guy," he reasoned. He had a look in his eyes that Shotgun couldn't quite place.

"From bandits and Sandcats and dehydration and pony-eating living gold, yes," she responded, slowly.

"And we leave from Crosshair Junction, you said?" Spurs started a slow, steady grin that was making tracks up to his ears.

Gallop gave him a worried look, then glanced up to Asshole, who both ponies now realized was still sitting quietly with Spurs' hoof in his gob. Johnny pulled the hoof out and stood back up on all fours, as the cat and Gallop both gave him stares. Gallop's, something along the lines of, "Did you smoke something while we were talking and I missed it?" Cat's said quite simply, "You're joking."

"You're joking," Cat groaned. "Crosshair Junction? That's the entire reason you want to go?"

Johnny gave a sideways glance to the wall as he answered with no lack of amusement, "What? I simply think it's worth a visit once in awhile. And the job doesn't sound THAT hard..."

"Johnny, the only way this job could sound more difficult would be if it ended with the words 'And you have to be on fire the entire time," Cat deadpanned.

"Pffft," the green stallion disregarded Cat's dry humor. "We could at least go to Crosshair and hear the guy out. I mean, it's not like we have anything better to do here."

Cat opened his mouth to say something, then closed it, then opened it again. "Uhhh..." was all he got out before he ran out of reasons why they couldn't at least _visit _the city. It looked like they were in it for the long haul. So he shrugged it off like he did everything else mildly inconvenient, and rummaged through a leather sack in the corner: the hiding place of all his worldly possessions. He slung a dark brown leather vest over himself, hooking a claw in the zipper and zipping it up. He finished off his "ensemble" with a tiny bandana and a cat-sized Stetson. "Well, if we're going to be gone for awhile I'm sure as hell not leaving without the hat."

Gallop hid a smile behind her hoof. "Oh, my gawd. He has a tiny cowboy hat," she snickered.

Johnny glanced from the mare to the feline, then took a few steps back and sat back on his haunches. Shotgun was about to give him a look for it when Asshole asked quietly, "Tiny cowboy hat?"

Gallop tried to put on a serious face. "Yes, yes, it looks very... manly on you," she coughed as she said 'manly' trying to stifle her laughter. "I'm sure you look very intimidating and 'cool'."

Asshole Cat twitched slightly as she spoke. Then, ever so slowly, walked up to the bed, propped himself up on his forepaws so that he was inches from the red mare's face, and hissed, "Soon." He then turned himself around and walked out the door.

Johnny stared after him with a bemused expression before grabbing a set of saddlebags pre-packed with supplies out from under the bed. Trotting to the door and out of the house, he called behind him, "I suggest not eating anything you didn't prepare yourself for the next couple of days."

Shotgun sat, blinking heavily, staring at the door for a few moments after they left. Shaking her head, she trotted after them. "And this is why you try to make friends who AREN'T as batshit as you," she told herself.

On the way to the train station, they came across a small crowd in the middle of the street, staring up at a familiar tan pony on a raised platform. "...and then this coward kicked down a bunch of rocks off a cliff and buried me! And THEN he left me there under the rubble!"

Cat, having hopped on to Spur's back out of laziness, chuckled into the pony's black mane. The pony himself just shook his head and sighed. "Y'know, I think they call it soap boxing because you _stand on a soapbox _while you're being an asshole," Johnny muttered under his breath. The cat just laughed harder, trying to bury the sound in Johnny's neck.

Gallop, not having heard or seen any of this, turned to wave them along. "Come on, you two! The train leaves soon!" A statement which, apparently, made just enough noise for the crowd (and it's crier) to pay attention.

"Hey, yeah, that's him!" Iron Mines shouted, pointing at Johnny and Asshole. "That's the guy that left me in the pass!" The crowd turned to follow Iron's gesture, and saw who he was pointing at. The reactions were mixed, but all could easily be summed up in the words, "Oh, it's Johnny". The exact inflection of which varied from pony to pony, at which point it was really just up to interpretation.

None of these varieties, however, could be said to be of the excitable and "pleased to see you" persuasion. In fact, the first question that made itself heard above all the muttering that ensued was, "And who paid you to do this one, Johnny?"

Johnny glanced at the crowd, and then at Mines. He snorted in laughter, and answered quite simply, "His marefriend."

The ensuing silence was impressive, even in the desert. "...what?" came the same voice, one Johnny now recognized as the Sheriff. The old colt stepped forward. "His marefriend told you to bury him?"

"Well, I believe her exact word were 'You've GOT to do something about my coltfriend!' and 'I don't want to deal with him another day!'" he explained. Then a thought occurred to him. "And you know what? She STILL didn't pay us!"

The Sheriff glanced from Iron to Johnny, and dropped his head in exasperation. "Look, Johnny. I appreciate what you do here. At least, _most_ of it. But there has to be a limit to what you can and can't do to get a job done. Just because you take work nopony else is willing to do doesn't mean that you can do it however you want."

Johnny gave him a blank look. "Sheriff, you and I both know that Ol' Ironhides here is more pony than I usually care to handle. And he doesn't exactly seem like the type to just sit down and talk things out. So I did what I could. Mind you, there are probably more subtle ways to tell a pony to back off then dropping rocks on his head-"

The sheriff held up a hoof. "Which is exactly what I'm trying to tell you. Look, Spurs, I can't really say you're a loose cannon, cause you just keep to yourself and do whatever it is you do to get by, but I can't have you just barrellin' into a job like that without at least thinking about the afters."

Johnny opened his mouth to retort, but sheriff kept talking. "Look, I know you want out of this town. And there's a few ponies here, I know, who wouldn't argue you leaving. But while you're here you've got to learn to play like the rest of them."

Cat tugged on Johnny's ear, pointing at a now rather impatient Shotgun Gallop. Johnny sighed. "Ok, sheriff, you got a point. Look, I'm taking a job out of town for awhile, might be what I need to move on permanently. You think you can let this slide, while I get out of your mane and let it blow over?"

Sheriff glanced over his shoulder at Gallop, who was tapping her hoof like the mine was already beneath her. He shook his head. "I'll see what I can do, but you might want to be prepared for somethin' or other when you get back."

"Right," Johnny finished, and trotted off.

Behind him, the crowd turned back to Iron Mines. "So what's this about your mare having to hire _Johnny Spurs _of all ponies to make you go away?" The sheriff questioned with a slight hint of disapproval.

Having not quite made his way out of earshot, Johnny cringed. He _really _needed to move somewhere they didn't know him.

They made their way across town, and onto the train, where Johnny and Asshole curled up into a booth and onto a table, respectively, laid out on their backs, and draped their hats over their eyes. It wasn't mere seconds till they fell asleep.

Gallop, who had just finished handing the conductor the tickets, gave them both a look. "I swear to Celestia it's just one pony in two bodies," she grumbled, then curling into a ball in the opposite booth. She, too, fell asleep rather quickly.

(-)

Several seats down from where the two newcomers and their cat had taken to sleeping, two mares were happily engaged in conversation. "Thanks so much for coming, I hope it wasn't an inconvenience for you," the unicorn said happily.

Her friend, an earth pony, shrugged in nonchalance and leaned back in her seat. "S'no big deal, sugar. It's been awhile since I've been out this way, and with the harvest over there isn't a great deal to do. Plus I'm not the biggest fan of cold weather, so I thought a trip out west ought to do me some good."

The unicorn raised an eyebrow. "But won't that make the cold that much worse when you get back."

"Look, we are going to Crosshair Junction, and then into the Saddlehara Desert. If I don't _miss _the cold by the time I get back something's wrong," she grinned as she spoke, and stared past her friend's shoulder into the rest of the car. "Not a whole lot of ponies on this train, huh?"

"I wouldn't think so," the unicorn said, pulling out a long strip of parchment. "The only major events taking place this time of year are either in Canterlot, or the search-and-excavation project I was asked to assist with. I'm glad I could take you with me, though. It sounds like it's going to be a lot of work."

"Ah, I'm good with heavy liftin'. Been workin' hard for weeks, ain't no reason to stop now," the Earth Pony reasoned, flexing a muscle.

"You're the best, Applejack. I hope we really do find what we're looking for."

"So do I, Twilight. So do I."


	3. and Twilight Sparkle

Chapter 3

(Note: My Little Pony is property of Hasbro.)

The train rumbled through the desert at typical speeds, it's passengers either eagerly awaiting their destination, reminiscing about what they'd left behind, or, in the case of our "heroes"...

"Sleeping. Amazing. How can they sleep through all of this?" Twilight asked, waving a hoof at the window, gesturing to the beautiful landscape of bright red sands and cliffs as they passed. They were currently making their way through Blushing Plains, a section of desert well-known and renowned for it's remarkably red sand, which was said to change shades based on how high the sun was in the sky.

Applejack glanced backwards over her shoulder at the two sleeping ponies and their cat. "Some ponies take this train often, sugarcube. It's no surprise they might have seen this all before. Now come on, tell me more about this excavatin' thing we're doin'."

Twilight looked back and forth between the snoozing trio and her friend, before drooping her shoulders a little. "Alright. Well, as you know, we're on our way to where Professor Bitton thinks he may have stumbled across the legendary gold mine, El Coriado."

A few booths away, an ear twitched.

"El Coridao?" Applejack asked. Another twitch. "That's that mine that's supposed to be lost forever, isn't it?"

"That's why this is so exciting!" Twilight responded, all of her glee over their adventure overwhelming her disappointment that anypony could sleep through it, even the trip there. "The train itself is taking us to Crosshair Junction, but you know that already. We're going to be there for a day or so, so the professor can put together the rest of his team." Another twitch, this time from a different ear.

"How many folk you think he's going to need for this job?" Applejack tilted her head as she asked, more than a little curious and slightly confused.

Twilight raised a hoof to her chin in thought. "Well, I know he's bringing in a couple of 'hired gums' or something like that for the trip there from Crosshair..." she answered thoughtfully.

Applejack laughed a little. "Uh, sugar? I think you mean 'hired guns'..." As of the word 'guns', all of three ears were a twitchin', and glances exchanged. "It means he's bringin' in some rough'n'tumble types to keep us safe while we do what we're doin'."

Twilight nodded. "Oh, ok! That makes much more sense. I don't know if they're going to accompany us into the mine, but it would be nice. That place is rumored to be very unfriendly to outsiders."

"Which is why we're balls crazy to even be on the train," Johnny muttered to Asshole. The cat snickered.

Shotgun hissed at them to be quiet, and went back to "sleep".

"Well, if it's as dangerous as you say, Twi, I'm sure they'll be happy to help," Applejack reasoned with a grin.

Spurs and Cat traded glances, and snickered to themselves.

"Yes, so do..." Twilight trailed off, staring over AJ's shoulder. "Oh, good, you're awake."

"Oh, no, she's spotted us, Batmare!" Asshole feigned distress in a whisper. "Whatever shall we do?"

"Quick, Cloppin," Johnny responded in the same hush tone, "Deploy the bucks!"

"But, Batmare, I don't have any left to give!" whispered Cat, as they all but laughed themselves out of the booth and off the table.

Shotgun glared daggers at them, climbing out of her booth to greet the two strangers. "Ah'm sorry about those two, they're a little... stupid. Pleased to meet ya', I'm Shotgun Gallop!" she added cheerfully, holding out a hoof.

Twilight shook it happily. "Nice to meet you! I'm Twilight Sparkle. I guess you must be the 'hired guns'," she joked, giving a cheesy wink.

'Oh, dear god, she's one of those,' Gallop thought to herself. "Uh... yes, ma'am. And who's your friend, there?"

Applejack, who up to this point hadn't moved to greet Shotgun, slid out of the booth, onto her hooves, and gave the newcomer a glance from under her wide-brimmed hat. "Hello, Gallop."

Gallop paused for a second in recognition, then lowered her head slightly to glare at AJ. "Well, if'n it isn't Applejack..."

Twilight stepped to the side, reading the tension, bumping into the side of another booth. One Johnny and Asshole had moved to to get a closer look. "Oh, this is gonna be so good." The pitch in Johnny's voice rose as he spoke, his excitement poorly veiled.

Asshole hopped onto his "owner's" head. "It usually is," Cat chuckled.

The two mares glared at each other for all of half a second before running straight-on into one another... in a great big hug.

"Jackie!" Gallop cried, throwing her hooves around the orange pony's neck.

"Gunny!" Applejack shouted, returning the gesture.

"Awww, yeah!" Johnny whooped, as they hugged. "I love it when AJ visits! Gallop, why didn't you tell me she was part o' this ordeal?"

Gallop released her grip and looked back to her partners. "I didn't know!" She looked back to Applejack. "How've you been, cider? Last any of us saw you was after them Flim-Flam brothers rolled by."

Twilight looked thoroughly confused. "Whoa!" she cried, waving her hooves. "Slow down! How do you know these ponies?" she asked, her tone slightly exasperated.

Asshole coughed.

"...and cat?" she added. Cat nodded his approval.

Applejack smiled as the group crowded into one booth to talk, Johnny and Gallop on one side, AJ and Twilight the other. Asshole just stretched out on the table. "Well, Twi, you remember my cousin Braeburn?"

Twilight's eye twitched. "..a bit."

That got a chuckle from the other three. Johnny had to hide his laughter behind his hoof. "Yeah, he's a bit... what's the word I'm looking for?"

"Rooty-tooty fresh and fruity?" Asshole offered. Spurs just laughed harder, while Gallop tried to not choke on air.

Applejack gave them all looks. "Hey, he's not that bad," she grumbled, then went back to talking to Twilight. "Well, these three crazy hombre's all live in Appleoosa, same as him. This here's Shotgun Gallop, who you've met." She gestured at the red-coated mare, who nodded. "She specializes in things that go boom."

"Pleased t' meet'cha," Gallop gave the unicorn a wide smile and a wink.

Twilight smiled and nodded in response, as AJ gestured to the boys. "And this here is Johnny Spurs and Asshole Cat, Appleoosa's very own problem solvers extraordinaire." The two tipped their hats to Twilight, Johnny extending a hoof.

"It's good to meet you. Applejack's dropped a couple of names before when she's visited, so I think I have the distinct advantage of knowing a little bit about you beforehoof," he explained.

Twilight shook his hoof. "It's nice to meet you. But I have to ask, 'Problem Solvers?' What exactly is it you guys do?"

Asshole grinned. "Whatever needs doin'. Johnny and I are your everyman team when it comes to sorting out problems. We take odd jobs nopony else wants. Some of them even WE don't want, actually," he mused, tapping his chin with a paw.

Twilight milled this over. "So is that why you guys decided to take the job guarding us on the way to the site?"

Johnny let loose a sigh. "Honestly, at this point I don't know what I'm doing. I'm just going where I'm told and doing whatever's needed. Right now it's just good timing to get out of town for awhile."

Applejack raised an eyebrow. "Alright, spill it. What'd you do this time?"

Johnny cringed with a smile, but before he could respond, Cat volunteered, "Dropped a rock slide on somepony's abusive coltfriend. Sheriff suggested we might want to take some time away from town to let things settle this time. We're not exactly excited about gettin' back, either."

Johnny rolled his eyes. "Way to be elegant, Asshole."

Twilight was about to protest his language when she remembered the cat's name. At which point she turned her attention to the snide feline. "Doesn't that bother you?"

The cat stared sideways at her. "What?"

"Your name? Everypony calling you... well... Asshole?" she said quietly, trying to be polite.

Gallop and Johnny exchanged glances, then snickers. Cat just grinned at her. "Sweetheart, I chose the name for myself. Cause that's what I am. I'm an asshole."

"O-diodio-diodio," Spurs muttered. Cat chuckled.

"I'm rude, crude, and usually nude, and I like it that way. And Johnny here's the only pony I know that can take all of it all the time," he explained, jerking his head back to gesture at his partner. "We live our lives the way we want, so feel free to say whatever you like. You'd have to get up earlier then dirt to rustle us."

Twilight's eyes widened slightly at his callous behavior, but she brushed it aside. For now. Especially since the train had reached the station. "Fillies and gentlecolts, we have arrived at our destination," said a pleasant southern belle-ish voice from over the intercom.

The group gathered up their things and hopped off the train, onto the platform. "Well, here we are, Crosshair Junc...tion..." said Applejack, realization slowly donning on her. She turned on her heel to say something, but too late.

Johnny had already started on ahead of them, Asshole with him. Gallop glanced at the other girls and sighed. "I knew it. I knew he was going to ditch us soon as we got here. Come on, girls, I know where to find them."

Twilight looked back and forth between Applejack and Shotgun. "Um, what's going on?"

The other two traded glances, until Gallop rolled her eyes. "Johnny and Asshole have a multitude of talents. Not really their special talent, per say. But they've picked up a lot of little tricks along the way. And Crosshair Junction is a playground for them, since a couple of those tricks include cards and pool-sharking."

Applejack rested a hoof on the shoulders of a very bewildered Twilight Sparkle. "Look, sugar. Crosshair Junction is known for three things: casinos, pretty mares, and a bar every other block. They could turn tricks here every day for a month and still find a pony they hadn't swindled yet."

"But... we should stop them, right? I mean, that's like stealing!" Sparkle protested.

Gallop just shook it off and walked on. "Oh, we will. But don't think they're going to raise a whole bunch of suspicion. There's pool sharks and card sharks and long cons every twenty paces here. It's the only reason Johnny agreed to go in the first place. They're both dirt poor, darling. And they hate it. So any chance they get to scrounge up more cash is heaven to 'em. Johnny especially."

"Why's that?" Twilight inquired, as she and AJ trotted to keep up with Shotgun.

The other two mares gave each other weary looks. "That's another story for another time," Gallop explained. "For now, let's just find the boys and get where we're s'posed to be going."

It didn't take anywhere near as long as Twilight though to track them down... they'd hit the first bar they found. The one right outside the train station. From a swindler's standpoint, it was perfect: full of ponies just getting ready to leave or just getting here, most of whom either didn't know what they were in for, or wouldn't be around long enough to do anything about it if they figured out what was going on at all.

As Gallop and the girls trotted through the front doors -quickly met with a rousing chorus of wolf-whistles and jeers, mind you- they spotted the boys setting up shop at a pool table in the back.

Johnny and Cat had taken to talking to two rather well-built stallions, chattering back and forth and sharing some hard-cider. "Come on, guys. You've got time. How about a round?" Spurs nudged one with his elbow, giving him a friendly, slightly tipsy wink-and-smile. The two big guys chuckled to each other and nodded.

The nudge-ie, a black stallion with a pocket watch for a Cutie Mark, nodded agreeably. "You know what? Sure. I got time for a game. But how about we make it more... interesting?"

Cat and Johnny traded wide-eyed glances. "Interesting? Johnny asked apprehensively. What do you mean?"

The other stallion, dark blue with a scroll and pen for his Mark, chuckled and pulled out a bag of bits. "How about... twenty bits each? Winner-take-all kind of thing."

Spurs and Cat looked back and forth between each other and the big guys. Cat nodded slightly. "Uh, sure, I guess," he answered slowly.

Johnny rustled around in his coat for his bag of money. Cash that Gallop didn't know he had, having just spoken to him about his status of "flat-broke" earlier that day. He dropped the bag sloppily on the table. "Is this enough?" he asked hesitantly.

The black colt nodded. "Yeah, sure," he jeered, pulling out a pool cue.

It was over in minutes. Johnny tucked away his new-found winnings into his coat as the big guys glanced at each other, not sure what had just happened. Asshole hopped onto Johnny's back, and grinned. "Window or aisle, boys? The train leaves in a few minutes."

The stallions were about to say something when they took a look at the clock and realized the cat was right- they had to go! As they trotted out of the bar and up to the station, the girls caught up with Spurs and Cat. Applejack shook her head disapprovingly. "Don't you boys ever get sick of scrounging off of thickheads like that?"

Johnny and Cat gave each other meaningful looks. "Nah," they chorused, and trotted out of the bar.

Twilight, still not sure what all had happened, dropped her head in dismay. "This is going to be a very long journey..."


End file.
